What to do???
I am lost, I have tried praying, talking to my friends, drinking, dancing, changing the way I look in terms of wardrobe, hair change, lost weight, gained some, reconnected with old pals, changed jobs…..yaaani everything that I thought I believed would help but nothing works!!! I still feel empty, more empty and lost. I do not know what else to do, but just to be. Do nothing I think is the best and last option. I have messed up I do not refuse, I have hurt people, I have messed up golden opportunities in my career, I have lost good friends so much that I cant be able to say, and now I think I am paying for it. You tell me pray, give your life to christ, join a church….all that. Well I have but I always find my self being pulled back into all the things I do not want to be doing. Drinking, going back to my ex, messing up a good relationship that i had, getting low self esteem, not keeping my promises to my friends. I hate my life right now. You tell me God cares, he loves me, he forgive me, no matter how many times I fall down, I know all that. I may even know the bible more than you do. But he is not coming through for me. You say patience. Well how much patience is patience?? How much fasting is fasting?? How much crying is crying?? You say he is a God of second chances, n third n fourth, so when is mine coming?? That other chance when is it coming? You ask God gives you another chance and then you mess up again. I cannot promise it will totally work, but I have learnt, I have paid the price far too long to be stupid enough not to change my ways. All I want is another chance.
You ask what other chance I need for? There are so many but lets start with the man who loved me, who had accepted me for who I was, who had said he will help me through and assist me be a better person. But I took all that for granted. I did not love him enough, I was not real with him, like he was with me. I was not so many things he was to me. And now he has walked, and its all too much. I have begged, I have prayed, fasted, given him time out, all that you can do to try and make up, but nothing. And it kills me, I do not know what to do anymore…….
