low…..
I try praying but, no answer is forthcoming. I am having faith and hope but none is bearing fruit. I look all around and wonder, for how long, how much can i take this, pain, lonelyness inside me. Its funny when you hear people say that I am around people but i feel so lost. Now I totally understand what they mean. Because I am there. I am experiencing that.
But I gues I am paying for my sins. Lets start from the begining, I was going out with this man lets call him Peter, for one year and nine months. It was good for the better part of it. Until the trust and communication was lost. I will not play the blame game, we both did our share of wrongs to each other. He is the one who called it off, his reason I have anger management issues. It was over before he even told me that. I had begged, prayed talked to one or two about it, just to get there insight. To them I should be happy it was over, Peter was not good for me at all. It was long over due. Honestly they were right, but I was scared of going out there again. Starting out on my own, i had learnt to rely on him so much, he was literally my rock (Peter). Him walking away juts killed me, but in all truth, he was not true to me. He did not trust me, which if you ask is the most important in any relationship. So we broke up. It was a Monday, my last day at my previous employer, what was to be a happy day, I felt a part of me had been killed. But this time I did not beg, say bashing statements, no I just said thanks for letting me go I wish you well. And it ended.
In all that kaguamia came along someone else, lets call him Steve. Steve was honest speaking one in a million. We knew each other from way before, and he came back, and wanted me straight back to his life. I believe the mistake I did was not to be totally honest with him. That i was hurting, I just been dumped. I was not real with my self thus I was not with him. I told him it had ended way earlier but for me it was still so fresh. So we started something with him, and for him he was in totally. He loved me for real. He treated me in a way any person would want to be treated. He was good. He had his faults but he was good. I on the other hand, I brought in my hurt, pain and anger into it. So he would do something, and I would counteract so badly. We would fight but, sort it out. I knew I did not want to end it.
But recently went out. I got a bit too high, we went too far that night to a point that i did not want. When i woke up and realized it, it was too late. I had options, to keep quite, walk away or talk about it. I choose the later, and I will admit I did not handle it well. And it all came crumbling down…. and I am trying to sort it out. I have apologized and nothing is working what do i do. I have prayed, waited, being patience….but as i ask how patient is patient???
